I've been talking lately with a few people (friends and strangers alike), and it blows my mind as to how unaware many folks I meet can be regarding details of safe sex. Even most of the oversexed personnel of sex shops I visited lately were clueless about some of the stuff listed below.
Last week I've been tidying up my bedroom shelves and decided to place all safe sex products in a convenient pouch; I went to buy smaller packages as well to place some in a simpler carry-on case, for easier transportation. My perspective is from a heterosexual male point of view, but the concept should apply to everyone reading this. My goal with this guide is to help out fellow males learn about safe sex and integrate it easily into their lives.
Why safe sex?
I plan to live in good health for as long as possible, and want to enjoy life's pleasures to the fullest until I reach at least 100. Risking my physical and mental health on a quick fling is akin to playing Russian roulette: there's little reward and statistically you end up losing. Practicing safe sex with a new or regular partner alleviates the mental anguish, protects you and her from latent infections (like HIV which can take up to 6 months to show up in a blood test), prevents unwanted pregnancies, builds trust and can even add to the sexual experience. It's a win-win situation! If that's your thing, some products even facilitate intimate activities when she's "not feeling fresh".
Yeah, but I'm broke! (I don't want to pay too much.)
Most of the stuff here is pretty inexpensive, much less than the price of a movie ticket to see a bad Hollywood popcorn movie. You can even get many items and samples free at your college's health center or at GLBT (gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender) clinics. If you're just cheap, consider the amount of money and time your unwanted offspring will suck away from you, or how dumb you'll feel when the doctors say that your liver is kaput because of Hepatitis. Don't be penny wise – pound foolish. How much money did you invest in those cool clothes? How much cash did you spend on that hot date again? Can't you fork out a dollar or two more and be safe as well?
Why build a Safe Sex Kit?
Three reasons: 1) for completeness; 2) for cleanliness' sake; 3) to carry-on with you. Doing so doesn't really costs much either. You can even assemble a smaller kit for the car, in your backpack or as an on-site "war chest" to leave at your girlfriend's place. If you're a parent, consider building one for your child when he/she is old enough, so that they won't feel all weird and confused about buying all this stuff. Plus some items can only be found in adult stores.
Ok-ok, so what should I put in my Safe Sex Kit?
I thought you'd never ask. Here we go:
1. Cosmetics or Shaving Bag
Importance: Medium
Price: $1-$20 CAD
That's the bag that will contain your products. Some of you may like transparent bags for easy identification of goods, but I prefer an opaque one to protect the latex products inside from sun or neon light which can degrade them. At home I use a too-small cheapo grooming bag from the local dollar store, but if you need to travel look for a bag that has thicker walls that won't let sharp objects ruin your beloved goodies inside. A large and sturdy pencil case or even a padded lunch bag may be interesting alternatives. For decorative uses, a nice box or little chest would look swanky in your love pad. But if you have some expendable income, why not shop around for a cool conversation piece like a vintage doctor's bag? You may want to buy everything else first so that you get an idea of how big a bag you'll need while giving yourself some room. You don't have to put ALL your supplies in it, but at least enough of each goodie you'll be using each time.
I also have a smaller, suitcase-friendly box that I use for a few basics like a condoms, lubricant, dams and gloves. Read more about it under Travel case below.
2. Condoms
Importance: High!
Price: $0.50-$3 CAD each
A no brainer. Stick with brands known for their reliability. Durex, Kimono, TheyFit (online only) are renowned to be great brands. Personally, I won't buy Lifestyles anymore after having 2 of them break from defects while suiting up and I also stay away from the Trojan brand after reading many scary forum posts of condom breakage regarding this brand. (Thanks, I had just bough a new box. Bummer.) I now also avoid spermicidal ones after reading about the facts that they simply don't contain enough spermicide to kill all the sperm in case of a breakage/slippage and that they irritate the vagina's sensitive walls, thereby increasing the chances of transmitting an STI or STD. The World Health Organization issued a report to this effect here. You're better off using regular or non-spermicidal condoms that fit properly and adding plenty of lubricant yourself, thereby greatly reducing the risk of breakage in the first place.
Consumer Report did an extensive test of various North American brands; I suggest you read the results here.
Even if you prefer using lubricated condoms, do buy a few non-lubricated ones. Girls don't much like the taste of lubricated condoms when performing safe oral sex. Go ahead, taste one and you'll see why. Yuck! Plus, you can convert a non-lubricated condom into a dental dam with a pair of scissors should you wish to perform extra-safe cunnilingus or anal play on your partner.
As to what size to buy (wide, large, snug), measure your base's diameter when erect (in millimeters, Romeo) and check either the manufacturer's website or the back of the box. Each manufacturer has a different wild idea of what normal/large/snug mean. As to features (thin, ribbed, extra-pleasure...), some women don't feel them while others do. Personally, I prefer to have good technique rather than rely on these gadgets. As to scented or flavored ones, don't use them for intercourse as most of them contain sugar which can lead to rather nasty yeast infections. To find the "second skin" that fits you best, try fee samples (health clinics) or buy single-packs or 3-packs and test them out, it's the best and only "economical" way.
If either you or your partner are allergic to latex, polyurethane condoms are available but at a higher price and with much less selection to choose from. Avanti by Durex is commonly available in pharmacies and groceries stores.
While on the topic of polyurethane, if manual-oral-anal play is your thing you may want to investigate female polyurethane condoms. Once the condom is lubed and inserted inside her anus, your fingers can explore cleanly while the larger flange that stays outside allows for a novel yet protected oral ride up the Hershey Highway.
3. Lubricant
Importance: High!
Price: free (samples)/$1-$5 (travel sizes)/$6-$30 CAD
That's the magic ingredient that too many guys forget about, or are completely unaware of. Unless you do a great job at building up her fire or unless your woman is exceptionally wet, a condom by itself may feel rough and even painful to her and won't give you the best of sensations either. Lubricated condoms often aren't lubricated enough, the lube being there mainly to help you in putting them on; whatever small amount existing on the surface will dry-out rather rapidly too.
The usual word of warning: use a water-based or silicone-based (for in-water action or extended play mostly; often referred to as "body glides") lubricant that is condom-compatible. Using massage oil, hand-cream, Vaseline or other oily products will DESTROY your latex condom in a matter of SECONDS. Seriously. Read the simple instructions that accompany condoms, you'll see their disclaimer. Plus oily products are slightly harder for the woman to clean up afterward.
For extra pleasure on the male end, you may also add a drop or two inside the tip of the rolled-up condom before putting it on. After putting on your condom, add a few drops of lubricant to the outside of it and spread evenly. Pause and add some more if you ever feel you start lacking lube in the middle of intercourse, especially during long sessions. Should your lube dry-out mid-action you can always rewet it using water (see "water gun" below). For manual stimulation using latex/vynil/nitrile gloves, naturally warm up the lube by putting a generous amount on your gloved fingers first and then spread it on your partner's genital region. When using dental dams, add a few drops of lubricant between the dam and her vulva so as to increase her pleasure.
Brand-wise, many folks (including me) swear by Astroglide, pjur Eros Bodyglide, Liquid Silk (nice!), the Canada-made O'My and slightly less so for K-Y Liquid (not jelly, it gets sticky fast). You can get many in groceries, pharmacies or discount stores. Heck, I just stumbled onto Astroglide at half-price at Zellers, of all places! Brands like pjur Eros, Liquid Silk, ID and Wet will require a trip to a quality sex-shop. If you can, get sample pouches to try (and yes, taste) before buying the larger bottles. Mind you, these samples double up as great travel-size lube when on a night out. Some adult/condom stores will sell samples at less than $1-$5 CAD each, or gay pride parades, gay bars and college health centers often give samples pouches away. Also, warming lubricants are more of a cute novelty thing to be used while massaging; your money is better spent elsewhere. Finally, stay away from flavored brands that contain sugar (except for oral sex), it can easily lead to her developing a rather nasty yeast infection... and you having to wait out a few days.
Lastly, as porn-star actress Nina Hartley likes to repeat in her educational videos: "You can never use too much lube!" You're better off cleaning-up the mess than ending-up with a pissed-off girlfriend in pain.
4. Flavored condoms
Importance: Medium
Price: free (samples)/$0.50-$2 CAD
For oral sex, try using flavored condoms as they mask the unpleasant taste of latex. Durex and Trustex both make reputable and much enjoyed flavored condoms. You can get them either in a Variety Pack or by individual flavor. However, don't use them for normal intercourse as they contain sugar which can once again trigger a yeast infection in her. However, they make for nice-tasting makeshift dental dams.
Think of the flavor as that of a candy, ice cream or Mr. Freeze: it's likely to be having a strong artificial flavor, the cheaper the brand the more overpowering the experience will be. My general advice is to stick to flavors that bring back good memories, like a tasty and cheeky chewing gum or lollipop you really enjoyed, even if it tastes artificial. Like candy shops, some sex shops have rows of colorful condom bowls so that you can try a wide variety. Do stay away from "wild" flavors like banana, licorice or cola, they either taste like kids' medicine or are too off-putting to most. The classic strawberry flavor can be a hit or miss, depending on the flavor's strength and your lady's tastes. Same goes for the minty ones, as it all boils down to just how much she really loves her toothpaste.
Scented condoms are based on the fact that we need to smell to fully experience our taste sensations. By covering up the latex' scent, the same effect as a flavored condom is achieved without any aftertaste.
Final reminder: except for the Lifestyles' "Kiss of Mint" which actually have flavoring embedded into the latex, the rest of them just have a coating that doesn't last super long.
5. Latex/Vinyl/Nitrile Gloves
Importance: High!
Price: $0.10-$0.30 CAD
Ah, gloves! Another oft-overlooked safe-sex device that is much cheaper than a condom. Gloves are used during manual stimulation (fingering) of the genitals to prevent infections through micro-cuts that each of us has on our hands from normal everyday activities. Don't be too quick to laugh at gloves; they can be a powerful ally! When used with lube, they feel a whole lot better for the woman than bare hands do. By covering all skin imperfections including those sharp nails of yours, your hand will feel much smoother and better to her, and she will secretly be grateful. Some gloves come with traction ridges on fingertips, which can become useful for precise stimulation.
As stated before, you MUST use lube with gloves, unless you're both freaks who like the smell of burnt skin. Simply apply a generous amount on the outside and rub your partner's target zone.
So what to choose between latex, vinyl and nitrile? All three offer similar protection regarding blood and bodily fluids. Latex is the cheapest, but often comes pre-powdered for easier hand insertion. The powder (starch) in on the inside, not the outside. Latex will also stretch a fair bit and like condoms will be COMPLETELY DESTROYED if used with oils or petroleum jelly. However, since prolonged exposure to latex can lead to latex allergies in humans, many nurses and physicians are moving away from latex to nitrile instead. Nitrile is about twice the price of latex, and just as sturdy. It won't stretch as much however, so be careful when choosing a box of gloves to make sure that they will fit your hands properly. When punctured, nitrile gloves will bubble out slightly, which makes for easy noticing that something went wrong. Latex doesn't bubble out when nicked and you may not notice the damage. Vinyl gloves are slightly cheaper than nitrile, but are less comfortable, will not stretch much, are noisy and don't fit tightly. Nitrile and vinyl can both be used with oil-based lubricant, and hence may be suitable for sensual massage that turn into sexual massage.
You will find gloves at your local pharmacy, but unless you can buy small 5-6 pack bags, you may have to buy a whole box of 30-100 units. Make sure your hand fits properly: some boxes have a scale to identify how to measure one's hands to fit their product. If you're lucky, some local and online sex shops will have gloves in better colors than the medical blue and white found everywhere.
Around Montréal, you'll find the Formedica brand in most pharmacies. I prefer their nitrile gloves as they are non-powdered and feel less warm on the wearer than latex does after long handling time.
Gloves can also become instant dental dams using a pair of scissors (see below). Look for non-powdered gloves, as the starch (usually corn) employed is made for easier hand insertion in the glove and may not be made to be breathed in. Different brands use different starches, and some may irritate the wearer's skin and hurt for a few hours afterwards (I've been there).
6. Dental dams (Oral dams)
Importance: Medium
Price: $3-$4 CAD
French: digues dentaires
A dental dam is a large piece of latex (or sometimes vinyl) that is placed on your girlfriend's vulva or anus to avoid direct mouth and finger contact. They often come flavored (vanilla, chocolate...) to cover the taste of latex. To use them, simply place some lubricant (you have some now, don't you?) on her vulva and then place the dental dam directly onto her. Be careful to note which side is which as inverting them midway would nullify the usefulness of this barrier. Try also not to put lubricant onto your fingers; you'll really be having a hard time keeping the dam in place otherwise. The downside is that dental dams are hard to find, even in specialized shops. You can, however, create one from a condom or a glove for much less money. Just read the instructions under scissors (below).
Dams from manufacturers Sheer Glyde and LIXX (from the makers of Trustex) are the "easiest" to find in the marketplace. While I've never tried, non-latex dams are available from dentistry suppliers, as dams are used regularly to cover the mouths/faces of patients in this medical field. That's where the name "dental dam" comes from, after all!
"But what about Saran Wrap?" I hear you say. Sure, it works fine too, is much cheaper and is completely see-though (latex isn't). I do keep a dedicated roll of it for this purpose and encourage partners to do so as well. However, I just personally don't fully trust a bulk-made food wrapper as being 100% free of any defect. It's your call. If you do, use a known brand name and double-up the plastic wrap for better protection.
7. Small safety scissors
Importance: Low
Price: $1-$3 CAD
If you need to transform a (preferably non-lubricated) condom or a (preferably non-powdered) glove into an instant dental dam, scissors are your best bet. Use bandage or kids scissors. I prefer Crayola-style safety scissors as they have rounded edges AND plastic covering the whole blades. I feel these safety features would help in preventing disastrous accidental impaling of condoms or even flesh should you forget the scissors on the bed. If these safety features don't feel like enough to you, either use a rubber band around the blades to keep them from opening up during transport or buy a bag with multiple pockets.
To transform a condom into an instant dental dam, unroll it completely in your hands, cut out the ring part then split the remainder length-wise all the way to the top. Voila! If you have a latex, vinyl or nitrile glove, cut out the four fingers (but leave about half the index finger) then cut the side of the hand (opposite the thumb) but keep the thumb intact. Unfold, apply to skin and use your fertile imagination as to what to do with the thumb. You can do it!
8. Hand sanitizer
Importance: Low
Price: $1-$2 CAD
Just to clean and sterilize your skin should you accidentally fondle with the other sides of latex barriers or with your partner's bodily fluids. It's those little bottles containing an alcohol-based no-rinse sanitizing gel. Keep in mind not to explore her vagina with bare hands afterwards, as the alcohol and soap residue on your skin will sting her.
9. Facial tissues (Kleenex), travel size
Importance: Low
Price: $1-$3 CAD (6-10 pack)
You know, few messes revolt me as much as a used condom on the ground. Wrap your expelled seed-bag in a Kleenex or two if no trash can is available nearby. Also handy to sponge-up lube should you drop or spill lubricant, or to clean her up when you're done with manual play. Facial tissues will leave tiny bits of paper behind, more so if she shaves; you may want to use baby wipes instead (see below).
10. Hand wipes or baby wipes
Importance: Low
Price: free/$0.05-$0.25 CAD
You know, the kind of wet wipes that come free with KFC lunches. Use to clean-up and freshen-up skin (with lemony scent!). I recently bought a pack of 24 at Zellers (again) for a dollar; some accompany my lunch! You can also use baby wipes, they clean better and absorb somewhat. I suggest however that you read the ingredients, some hand wipes like "Wet Ones" contain Nonoxynol-9 (spermicidal soap), which can be irritating on soft tissue. For the very careful amongst you, get antibacterial ones.
11. Aloe Vera gel/lotion
Importance: Low
Price: $1-$2 CAD
French: Aloes
Should extensive rubbing cause redness or a mild allergic skin reaction start to occur on your partner, apply some Aloe Vera gel or lotion on the affected area. This will reduce/avoid inflammation and associated pain. And she'll think you're the coolest for planning this far ahead. You wise fox! Look in the travel/sample sizes at national pharmacies or large discount stores; you'll find tiny bottles and jars of the stuff.
12. Water gun/spray bottle
Importance: Low
Price: $1 CAD
In case you need to wet lubricant that is drying-out on you in the middle of intercourse, simply spray some water on your lubricated parts to make things go smooth again. I'm talking about a basic water gun here, not some pump-action Super Soaker with grenade launcher. A spray bottle will mist more evenly, but the water gun is so much more fun to use. Use your imagination, tiger!
13. Gum/mints/breath freshener
Importance: Low
Price: $1-$3 CAD
Latex can taste icky. Have some way to have her (or you) get rid of the latex taste left behind. Can also be useful in the morning, if either of you has a morning breath that could raise the dead.
Related items
1. Travel case
Importance: Medium
Price: $5-30 CAD
If bringing a whole kit around isn't your thing, try using a smaller box or cosmetics bag with only the important items included: condoms, lubricant, a glove or a dam. I purchased a PDA aluminum case (Rhinoskin) in a clearance sale that fits perfectly for this task, and is quite inconspicuous too! You may want to try cigarette cases, coin purses or cell phone holders as well. Drugstores also have smaller cosmetics bags which you may want to look into.
2. Condom case
Importance: Medium
Price: $1-25 CAD
Not so much part of your kit but rather a hard-shell alternative to storing a condom all crumpled in your pockets (yes, you know who you are). Real ones are hard to find, especially those made of metal; you may have to buy them online. They often have enough space for 2-4 condoms, or 1-2 if you include a small lubricant sample pack (which you should, really. She'll love you for it.) As an alternative, browse pharmacies, dollar and discount stores and look for generic travel cases large enough.
In my own pockets, I'm currently using vinyl/foam/aluminum portable ashtrays from the dollar store: they fit 1 condom and 1 lube pouch, are flexible, protective, inconspicuous and are only 2 for $1! I've also finally got myself a sturdy plastic condom case that can fit 1-2 condoms and 1-2 lube pouches. They come in opaque or colorful transparent forms, the former being notably more classy and discreet.
Additional Resources
To write this article I visited ALL sex shops on Montreal's South Shore, and the only one that I found had everything I needed for safe sex was Erofolies in Brossard. Plus their staff was the nicest and actually knew what I was seeking. Talking with them I realized why: their clientele is mostly women and some couples, so no blow-up dolls, porn tapes or bearded fat men there. They where also the only place that had lube sample packs and travel sizes for out-of-home experiences. While other stores just say "no, we don't have that", Erofolies actually made some calls and ordered stuff in. Chapeau!
For online shopping in Canada, SafeSexCanada.com also offers an acceptable selection of above-mentioned items. I've yet to order from them, however.
For the night-shift type among you, La Capoterie on Saint-Denis St. (Montréal) has some lube sample pouches, flavored condoms and the all-important condom plastic case. The shop just isn't as revolutionary as it once was though.
For more information, Scarleteen, a sexual awareness website for teens and young adults, has an interesting article on safe sex and on how to build a kit very similar to mine. Worth a look!
Final Words
Did I forget something, do you have additional advice? Email-me your suggestions! (Yes, you'll get credit unless you want to stay anonymous.) Live long, have fun and stay healthy! 